Volkswagen Touareg Forum banner
61 - 79 of 79 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,101 Posts
Discussion Starter · #61 ·
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost, it's 3 AM. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife.
"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
 

·
Chairman
Joined
·
20,322 Posts
A golden oldie but still good for a great laugh! Thank you!!

I enjoyed the Tourettes joke that won best gag at the Edinburgh Festival this year and then enjoyed the snowflake responses decrying it even more!

I also enjoyed seeing Freddie Starr's coffin inscribed with "Return to sender"!

What's wrong with a good laugh even if you are the subject of it?
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
5,226 Posts
Jeremy corbyn was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the Labour leader if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".
"No," said Corbyn "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the Labour leader, "that's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Corbyn searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the airplane carrying you and Dianne abbott was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Jeremy corbyn, . "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f**king accident either!"
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
16,036 Posts
 

·
Chairman
Joined
·
20,322 Posts
LOL!!

At the moment I'd be overjoyed if the entire House of Commons and the SKY and BBC news teams were ALL on that plane!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,101 Posts
Discussion Starter · #66 ·
Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks
on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
5,226 Posts
Walking down the street, a Member of Parliament is hit by a lorry and dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter. He says,
'Welcome to Heaven. Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see anyone in such a high office around here, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'Just let me in,' says the politician.
'Well, I'd like to but I have instructions from above. You'll have to spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven, then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' replies St Peter
With that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he went down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the Devil, a very nice, friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They're having such a good time that before he realises, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave as the lift rises…
The door opens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to show you around Heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to Hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and refuse.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more garbage falls from above.
The Devil comes over and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the MP, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning…
Today you voted
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,101 Posts
Discussion Starter · #68 ·
It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few further local businesses around our town.

The bra manufacturer has gone bust
The specialist in submersibles has gone under
The manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation
A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers
The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded
The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders
The tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road
The bread company has run out of dough
The clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo
The Chinese has been taken away
The shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot
and finally the laundrette has been taken to the cleaners!

Tough Times
 

·
Chairman
Joined
·
20,322 Posts
LOL!

The one good thing about Corona is the number of jokes flying around!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,101 Posts
Discussion Starter · #70 ·

·
Chairman
Joined
·
20,322 Posts
Nice one!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,101 Posts
Discussion Starter · #72 ·
There are some talented people around.

This made me laugh......

 

·
Chairman
Joined
·
20,322 Posts
Very good!
 

·
Senior Member
Joined
·
325 Posts
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.
 

·
Chairman
Joined
·
20,322 Posts
LOL!!
 

·
Lifelong Motorhead
Joined
·
3,045 Posts
Vladimir Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behaviour.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros.
 

·
Chairman
Joined
·
20,322 Posts
Very good!
 

·
Registered
2011 VR6 FSI LUX
Joined
·
18 Posts
If a recent post wasn't added to this thread I would never had known it existed. Some good ones in here.

A pirate walks into a bar and signals the bartender.
The bartender walks over, looks the pirate up and down and says "You've got a ships wheel as a belt buckle".
The pirate frowns and says "Aarggh, and it's drivin' me nuts!"
 
61 - 79 of 79 Posts
Top