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No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U. C. L. A

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end
 

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Discussion Starter · #43 ·
So I've read that people are getting offended over 'The Pogues - Fairytale of new york' because of the use of the word ******. ..

So here goes. ..

I feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well. Do so immediately.

1. I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn and cheating on daddy.

2. The Christmas Song: Open fire - Pollution. Folks dressed up like Eskimos - Cultural appropriation

3. Holly Jolly Christmas: Kiss her once for me - Unwanted Advances

4. White Christmas? Racist

5. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you're sleeping. .. Knows when you're awake - Pedo stalker

6. Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Everyone telling you to be of good cheer - Forced to hide depression

7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Bullying

8. It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: dolls for Janice and Jen and boots and pistols for Barney and Ben - Forces gender-specific toys

9. Santa Baby: Gold digger, blackmail, hooker

10. Frosty the Snowman: Sexist; not a snow person

11. Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired

12. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: Make the yuletide GAY? Wow, just wow

13. Jingle Bell Rock: Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet - animal abuse

14. Mistletoe and Holly: Overeating, folks stealing a kiss or two? How did this song ever see the light of day?

15. Winter Wonderland: Parson Brown demanding they get married - a forced partnership

16. Grandma got ran over by a reindeer - promotes a hit and run

I think we can clearly see how ridiculous this is becoming!!!! To the people of earth. .. stop being snowflakes!!

Shared & agreed but not written by me
 

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Excellent. Long may political incorrectness remain!
 

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Discussion Starter · #45 ·

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Discussion Starter · #47 ·

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Theresa May is discreetly touring the Lincolnshire countryside in her chauffeur-driven Jaguar without the usual police escort.

Suddenly a sheep dog jumps out into the road and, despite the driver braking hard, there is a thudding collision.

Theresa in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:

"You get out and check - you were driving."

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the dog is dead and, according to the the name tag, the canine was called Betty and the farm address is that of the one they've just passed.

"You were driving: go and tell the farmer and I'll wait here," says Theresa.

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.

"My God, where have you been and what happened to you?" asks Theresa.

The chauffeur replies: "Well when I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and their beautiful daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Theresa.

"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them....

"I'm Theresa May's chauffeur and I've just killed the bitch."
 

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Discussion Starter · #49 ·
Made oy larf Nooby, thank you.
 

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And for political balance . . .

Jeremy Corbyn is discreetly touring the Lincolnshire countryside in his chauffeur driven Ford people carrier.

Suddenly, at the entrance to a farm, a large pig trots out into the road and, despite the driver braking hard, there is a thudding collision.

Jezza says to the chauffeur:

"You get out and check - you were driving."

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the pig is clearly deceased.

"You were driving: go and tell the farmer and I'll wait here," says Jezza.

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.

"My God, where have you been and what happened to you?" asks Jezza.

The chauffeur replies: "Well when I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and their beautiful daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Jezza.

"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them....

"I'm Jeremy Corbyn's chauffeur and I've just killed the swine."
 

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Discussion Starter · #51 ·
BMW TO INITIATE A MAJOR RECALL

Following a serious incident BMW are to recall 500,000 vehicles following a serious problem when a driver tried to us the R.H. indicator.

 

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LOL!
 

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Like it!
 

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Ferrari fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's "Work For Your Dole" scheme, and employ some Glasgow youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels in less than two seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari 's existing crew could only do it in five seconds , with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, and would give Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Glasgow crew able to change all four wheels in under 1.5 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella
 

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LOL!
 

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I think I know these boys.
 

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Discussion Starter · #57 ·
An undercover cop called at my farm in rural Lincolnshire yesterday evening...

"I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs", he said.

"By all means officer, just don't go in that field over there", I replied.

The cop exploded, saying "Do you know who I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!", he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, "Do you see this badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I'll go wherever I want, have I made myself clear?!"

I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my chores.

A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull.

With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,

"Your badge, show him your badge!"
 

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Not sure how I missed this post!

LOL!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #59 ·

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Discussion Starter · #60 ·
A woman went to a pet store and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said £50. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill repute, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
 
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