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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
After my prostate exam, the doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door she whispered three words no man want to hear.

Who was that?
 

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Lifelong Motorhead
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For those of my generation who do not understand why Facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook in the same way that Facebook operates.

So, every day I walk down the street and tell anybody passing by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family dog, and of me gardening, watering the lawn, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody does every day.

I show them my holiday pictures and those of me standing in front of famous landmarks.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
And it works! - just like Facebook.

I already have four people following me: they are two police officers, a private detective and a psychiatrist.
 

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Chairman
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You missed out MI5, MI6 and the bomb squad!

I just don't get Twatting and Farcebooking at all, nor Locked-In.

All utterly pointless unless you want to stalk someone who has been daft enough to post about themselves!
 

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Chairman
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Bloody hell, no jokes for over 7 months?

WTF??

Anyway, here's an old 'un...

Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?

Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4
 

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Discussion Starter · #26 ·
A butcher is shooing a dog from his shop when he sees £20 and a note in his
mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a
bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the
dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trots
across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on
the bench.When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the
number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus
travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he
stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher
follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He barks repeatedly. No answer. He goes back down the path, takes a big
run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and
again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks
repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog .

The butcher runs up screams at the guy:

"What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #27 ·
When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar. .......and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favourite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups.

Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal.

"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
 

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Discussion Starter · #28 ·
My wife has just instructed solicitors to start divorce proceedings, she states I think more about football than I do about her. This simply isn't true, I love her more than anyone else, after all, we have been together for 9 seasons, I really will miss her, I'm gutted.
 

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Discussion Starter · #29 ·
Chris Eubank has just finished writing a new book about Ethics. His next one will be about Kent
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 ·
Pizza Phone Order

CALLER:
Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That's what I want …

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!!!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…
 

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Discussion Starter · #31 ·
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough."
He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #34 ·
During a lull at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

"Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean."

"Oh, I know", replied Melania, "but neither does the parrot."
 

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Discussion Starter · #35 ·
One liners .....

I have just visited the conjunctivitis website online, what a sight for sore eyes that was

You show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat minor.

I just found out I'm colour blind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

If a child refuses to take a nap, is he resisting a rest?

My Grandfather invented the Cold Air Balloon... It never really took off.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean ? Nothing, they just waved

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

You can't lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, then what you've lost is a pigeon.

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'

A man is washing his car with his son when the boy says, "Dad, can't we use a sponge?"

My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars in different wrappers. He gets his Snickers in a Twix.

How do you console someone with bad grammar? Their they're there.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.

The fact that there is a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven, says a lot about the anticipated traffic

Some nice people just knocked on the door collecting for the old folks home, I gave them my Nan.

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

The owner of Odeon cinemas died today His funeral will be held next Monday at 2.10pm, 4.10pm, 6.30pm & 8.15pm.

Have to report yet another death, because, sad to say, the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair will behold at 12 moon next Monkey.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

If you keep your head when all about are losing theirs, you probably don't understand the problem.

My inferiority complex isn't as good as yours.

Is there a Philip in this group? If so, can you tell him I've found his screwdriver....

They think I'm paranoid. They talk about it behind my back Ken

Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

We've always been such good friends. If we were on a sinking ship with only one lifejacket...................... well ................ I'd really miss you.

How do so many people get simple sayings wrong? Answers on a coastguard.

Britain's top cop Cressida Dick wants tougher sentences to deter violent teens from criminal lifestyle"

I was stopped by a policeman last night who asked me where I was between 5 and 7 Apparently infant school was not the right answer

When you feel you are a fool it is better not to open your mouth and prove it.

Sixty- three per cent of all statistics are worthless.

A psychic dwarf escaped from prison. Headline in the morning paper: "Small medium at large"

Polygamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
 

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Chairman
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Well done. A great read before breakfast this morning. Thank you.
 

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Chairman
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I just read that too! Excellent!
 

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Two guys driving and there car breaks
So they got to a fruit farmer and say "Fruit farmer do you have a place for us to stay tonight"
The fruit farmer replies "Sure you can stay upstairs with my daughter just no sleeping with her"

Unfortunately his daughter was a knock out so the two guys screwed the hell out of her
The next day the fruit farmer says since you disobeyed me i want each of you to go out in my fields and pick a hundred pieces of your favorite fruit.
Relieved, the two guys said I thought he would be pissed
So the two guys set out to pick there fruit

The first guy comes back with a hundred cherries.
To his surprise he finds himself staring at a double-barrelled shotgun
And the fruit farmer says "Now shove them all up you ass"

Well the guy gets to 25 and he starts giggling,
He gets to 50 and he starts laughing,
Finally gets to a hundred and he is laughing so hard pees a small stream down the inside of his trousers
Not amused the fruit farmer yells "What the hell so goddamn funny?"
The guy replies "I'm just laughing at my buddy because he is picking watermelons"
 

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Chairman
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LOL!

Good job he didn't choose pineapples!!
 
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