For those of my generation who do not understand why Facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook in the same way that Facebook operates.
So, every day I walk down the street and tell anybody passing by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family dog, and of me gardening, watering the lawn, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody does every day.
I show them my holiday pictures and those of me standing in front of famous landmarks.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
And it works! - just like Facebook.
I already have four people following me: they are two police officers, a private detective and a psychiatrist.
A butcher is shooing a dog from his shop when he sees £20 and a note in his
mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a
bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the
dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trots
across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on
the bench.When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the
number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus
travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he
stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher
follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He barks repeatedly. No answer. He goes back down the path, takes a big
run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and
again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks
repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog .
The butcher runs up screams at the guy:
"What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar. .......and the beer.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favourite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups.
Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
My wife has just instructed solicitors to start divorce proceedings, she states I think more about football than I do about her. This simply isn't true, I love her more than anyone else, after all, we have been together for 9 seasons, I really will miss her, I'm gutted.
No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
Do you want your usual, sir?
My usual? You know me?
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
OK! That's what I want …
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
What? I detest vegetable!
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
How the hell do you know!
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
I bought more from another drugstore.
That doesn't show on your credit card statement.
I paid in cash.
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
I have other sources of cash.
That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
Two guys driving and there car breaks
So they got to a fruit farmer and say "Fruit farmer do you have a place for us to stay tonight"
The fruit farmer replies "Sure you can stay upstairs with my daughter just no sleeping with her"
Unfortunately his daughter was a knock out so the two guys screwed the hell out of her
The next day the fruit farmer says since you disobeyed me i want each of you to go out in my fields and pick a hundred pieces of your favorite fruit.
Relieved, the two guys said I thought he would be pissed
So the two guys set out to pick there fruit
The first guy comes back with a hundred cherries.
To his surprise he finds himself staring at a double-barrelled shotgun
And the fruit farmer says "Now shove them all up you ass"
Well the guy gets to 25 and he starts giggling,
He gets to 50 and he starts laughing,
Finally gets to a hundred and he is laughing so hard pees a small stream down the inside of his trousers
Not amused the fruit farmer yells "What the hell so goddamn funny?"
The guy replies "I'm just laughing at my buddy because he is picking watermelons"