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#1 User is offline   johnb80 

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 02:07 PM

If you ever feel your job is pointless;- Spare a thought for the bloke on a production line somewhere in Germany putting indicator stalks on BMW's and Audi's.
Now a proud owner of a 2012 4.4 TDV8 Range Rover having sold my T1, 2006, 3.0 V6 Altitude which has been pretty much trouble free for 4 years running on MORRISONS fuel which is the best choice for all Touaregs.
P.S. Watch the mods here, they do dark and devious things when youre not looking LOL

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#2 User is offline   Black Grouse 

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Posted 18 October 2017 - 05:37 PM

The Queen is visiting a Glasgow hospital.

She enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or
illness,

She greets one. The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm".

The Queen is confused, so she just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit".

Even more confused, and her grin now rictus-like, the Queen moves on to the
next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

" Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle".

Now seriously troubled, the Queen turns to the accompanying doctor and
asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

'No,' replies the doctor,........................





















......... 'this is the
serious Burns unit.'
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#3 User is offline   johnb80 

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Posted 03 November 2017 - 04:09 PM

NEW BREXIT NEGOTIATIONS

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
Now a proud owner of a 2012 4.4 TDV8 Range Rover having sold my T1, 2006, 3.0 V6 Altitude which has been pretty much trouble free for 4 years running on MORRISONS fuel which is the best choice for all Touaregs.
P.S. Watch the mods here, they do dark and devious things when youre not looking LOL

#4 User is offline   Black Grouse 

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Posted 03 November 2017 - 06:11 PM

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman.
Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Bull Dog; he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen.
But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.
The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.
Finally, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!
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#5 User is offline   Black Grouse 

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Posted 04 November 2017 - 08:43 AM

The doctor asked me if anyone in the family was suffering from mental illness.

I replied no, they all seemed to enjoy it.
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#6 User is offline   johnb80 

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Posted 21 November 2017 - 03:59 PM

At a nursing home a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully
Now a proud owner of a 2012 4.4 TDV8 Range Rover having sold my T1, 2006, 3.0 V6 Altitude which has been pretty much trouble free for 4 years running on MORRISONS fuel which is the best choice for all Touaregs.
P.S. Watch the mods here, they do dark and devious things when youre not looking LOL

#7 User is offline   NoobyT 

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Posted 21 November 2017 - 05:23 PM

Too true - regrettably!
Tip! Search this forum using Google or Bing with [site:www.mytreg.com word word word ]

VW Touareg models are as follows:
Generation 1: T1 is model 7LA and the facelift T2 is model 7L6
Generation 2: T3 is model 7P5 and the facelift T4 is model 7P6
Generation 3: T5 is model CR7

Models, engines, build years, etcetera - all essential reading - is here:

http://en.wikipedia....kswagen_Touareg

The world's most comprehensive guide to buying a used VW Touareg that could save you money [even more essential reading!] is here:

http://www.mytreg.co...at-to-look-for/


FYI: Porsche Cayenne 955 = T1, 957 = T2, 958.1 = T3 and 958.2 = T4

#8 User is offline   johnb80 

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Posted 08 December 2017 - 08:52 PM

A father put his 4 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do. ."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma. ."

The next day the grandmother died. "Holy Moly, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy. ."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. Buddy, my long time golf instructor, dropped dead at the country club, in the middle of my lesson."
Now a proud owner of a 2012 4.4 TDV8 Range Rover having sold my T1, 2006, 3.0 V6 Altitude which has been pretty much trouble free for 4 years running on MORRISONS fuel which is the best choice for all Touaregs.
P.S. Watch the mods here, they do dark and devious things when youre not looking LOL

#9 User is offline   NoobyT 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 09:26 AM

That's extraordinary...

I - and the other heads of house at our rather formal leaving lunch - were told this joke by our headmaster's wife in July 1967. To this day I still remember being quite surprised at this rather prim lady delivering it!

I had never heard the joke before, nor anywhere else since, and it became one of my cleaner stock jokes so I have repeated it a number of times over the past 50 years and, since the advent of the www, posted it on a couple of occasions too.

In Mrs Loosley's version it was the couple's milkman who dropped dead on the doorstep!
Tip! Search this forum using Google or Bing with [site:www.mytreg.com word word word ]

VW Touareg models are as follows:
Generation 1: T1 is model 7LA and the facelift T2 is model 7L6
Generation 2: T3 is model 7P5 and the facelift T4 is model 7P6
Generation 3: T5 is model CR7

Models, engines, build years, etcetera - all essential reading - is here:

http://en.wikipedia....kswagen_Touareg

The world's most comprehensive guide to buying a used VW Touareg that could save you money [even more essential reading!] is here:

http://www.mytreg.co...at-to-look-for/


FYI: Porsche Cayenne 955 = T1, 957 = T2, 958.1 = T3 and 958.2 = T4

#10 User is offline   roytour 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 10:29 AM

View PostNoobyT, on 09 December 2017 - 09:26 AM, said:

That's extraordinary...

I - and the other heads of house at our rather formal leaving lunch - were told this joke by our headmaster's wife in July 1967. To this day I still remember being quite surprised at this rather prim lady delivering it!

I had never heard the joke before, nor anywhere else since, and it became one of my cleaner stock jokes so I have repeated it a number of times over the past 50 years and, since the advent of the www, posted it on a couple of occasions too.

In Mrs Loosley's version it was the couple's milkman who dropped dead on the doorstep!
Its gone up market now and plus who has a Milkman now?
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#11 User is online   Cass 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 01:48 PM

View Postroytour, on 09 December 2017 - 10:29 AM, said:

Its gone up market now and plus who has a Milkman now?

Nooby’s butler B)
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#12 User is offline   NoobyT 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 02:05 PM

Actually one of the herdsmen delivers after morning milking.
Tip! Search this forum using Google or Bing with [site:www.mytreg.com word word word ]

VW Touareg models are as follows:
Generation 1: T1 is model 7LA and the facelift T2 is model 7L6
Generation 2: T3 is model 7P5 and the facelift T4 is model 7P6
Generation 3: T5 is model CR7

Models, engines, build years, etcetera - all essential reading - is here:

http://en.wikipedia....kswagen_Touareg

The world's most comprehensive guide to buying a used VW Touareg that could save you money [even more essential reading!] is here:

http://www.mytreg.co...at-to-look-for/


FYI: Porsche Cayenne 955 = T1, 957 = T2, 958.1 = T3 and 958.2 = T4

#13 User is offline   Black Grouse 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 02:12 PM

View PostNoobyT, on 09 December 2017 - 02:05 PM, said:

Actually one of the herdsmen delivers after morning milking.

The milkmaid's been scared off then?
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#14 User is offline   NoobyT 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 05:02 PM

Her role is confined to buttering me up....
Tip! Search this forum using Google or Bing with [site:www.mytreg.com word word word ]

VW Touareg models are as follows:
Generation 1: T1 is model 7LA and the facelift T2 is model 7L6
Generation 2: T3 is model 7P5 and the facelift T4 is model 7P6
Generation 3: T5 is model CR7

Models, engines, build years, etcetera - all essential reading - is here:

http://en.wikipedia....kswagen_Touareg

The world's most comprehensive guide to buying a used VW Touareg that could save you money [even more essential reading!] is here:

http://www.mytreg.co...at-to-look-for/


FYI: Porsche Cayenne 955 = T1, 957 = T2, 958.1 = T3 and 958.2 = T4

#15 User is offline   Black Grouse 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 05:27 PM

View PostNoobyT, on 09 December 2017 - 05:02 PM, said:

Her role is confined to buttering me up....

Why stop there ...?
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#16 User is offline   NoobyT 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 06:16 PM

Didn't you spot the .... ?!
Tip! Search this forum using Google or Bing with [site:www.mytreg.com word word word ]

VW Touareg models are as follows:
Generation 1: T1 is model 7LA and the facelift T2 is model 7L6
Generation 2: T3 is model 7P5 and the facelift T4 is model 7P6
Generation 3: T5 is model CR7

Models, engines, build years, etcetera - all essential reading - is here:

http://en.wikipedia....kswagen_Touareg

The world's most comprehensive guide to buying a used VW Touareg that could save you money [even more essential reading!] is here:

http://www.mytreg.co...at-to-look-for/


FYI: Porsche Cayenne 955 = T1, 957 = T2, 958.1 = T3 and 958.2 = T4

#17 User is offline   Black Grouse 

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Posted 16 December 2017 - 04:16 PM

The Russian Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Anna; why do you want more pay?”

Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first reason is that I am cleaning better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you are cleaning better than me?”

Anna: “Your husband he say so.”

Wife: “Really?”

Anna: “The second reason is that I am better cook than you.”

Wife: “Don’t talk nonsense !, Who said you were a better cook than me?”

Anna: “Your husband said.”

Wife increasingly angried: “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Anna: “No Ma’am, the gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”
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#18 User is offline   NoobyT 

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Posted 16 December 2017 - 08:32 PM

As he walked home from Murphy's Bar late one Monday night, Oisin the Irishman [not the one who got thumped by Jezza!] spotted an interesting old bottle in the hedge so he picked it and took it home.

His wife was already in bed so Oisin washed the bottle at the kitchen sink and, as he rubbed it dry, there was a puff of smoke and a genie popped out.

Needless to say, Oisin was taken aback and lost for words, so the genie spoke first: "Good evening Oisin, I'm Jean-Claude, the generous genie of the bottle and I can give you but one wish before I disappear back to the magical generous genie kingdom at The Berlaymont in Brussels, so what is your wish?"

Since it was a Monday night, Oisin had only had a couple of drinks so he was reasonably compost menthol for once, and he'd heard about the chap whose legs fell off upon asking a genie for a penis that touched floor, so he thought very, very carefully before saying "For the rest of my life I'd like to produce the finest Irish whiskey anyone has ever tasted."

"Done" said J-C the generous genie, the genie. "Now urinate into that glass on the draining board and drink the finest tasting Irish whiskey of all time."

Well, keeping the story brief, after a little persuasion Oisin did as he was told, and sure enough, his urine was indeed the finest tasting Irish whiskey he had ever drunk.

"There's just one thing", said J-C the generous genie, "you can never ever tell anyone how this came about and you can only share it with your wife. The moment either of you break the rule of silence your urine will be urine."

Then, with a bright flash and a puff of smoke, Jean-Claude, the generous genie, brexited to Brussels.

The following night, Tuesday, Oisin didn't go to Murphy's Bar as usual but came straight home from work which surprised his wife.

"Get two glasses" he said, "and come in to the parlour."

Once they were both seated, Oisin explained what had happened, got her promise not to tell a soul, and urinated into the two glasses.

Still keeping this story short, there was some reluctance to drink but once she had, Oisin's wife agreed - it was indeed the finest Irish whiskey she had ever tasted and they both drank up, had supper and went to bed.

On Wednesday night, Oisin came straight home again, asked his wife to bring two glasses into the parlour and they drank their fill of his urine that was now the finest Irish whiskey either of them had ever tasted.

On Thursday night, Oisin came straight home yet again, asked his wife to bring two glasses into the parlour and they drank their fill of his urine that was now the finest Irish whiskey either of them had ever tasted.

On Friday night, Oisin once more came straight home and asked his wife to bring just one glass into the parlour which she did, but once in the parlour she enquired of her husband "Why only one glass, Oisin?"

"Tonight, darling", he replied, "you are drinking from the bottle."
Tip! Search this forum using Google or Bing with [site:www.mytreg.com word word word ]

VW Touareg models are as follows:
Generation 1: T1 is model 7LA and the facelift T2 is model 7L6
Generation 2: T3 is model 7P5 and the facelift T4 is model 7P6
Generation 3: T5 is model CR7

Models, engines, build years, etcetera - all essential reading - is here:

http://en.wikipedia....kswagen_Touareg

The world's most comprehensive guide to buying a used VW Touareg that could save you money [even more essential reading!] is here:

http://www.mytreg.co...at-to-look-for/


FYI: Porsche Cayenne 955 = T1, 957 = T2, 958.1 = T3 and 958.2 = T4

#19 User is offline   Black Grouse 

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Posted 20 December 2017 - 11:19 AM

Dave has been a bad boy. When he dies he heads straight downstairs

”Ah Dave, I’ve been expecting you” says the Devil “welcome, you will spend eternity here but we aren’t unreasonable - you can go into one of three rooms but remember, once you’ve made a choice that’s it for ever”

”okay” says Dave nervously quivering “let’s see them”

The Devil opens the first door, inside are a group of people standing on their head on a hard wooden floor - he doesn’t seem keen

They come to the second room, as the door opens Dave sees that everyone is again standing on their head but this time on a cold concrete floor. Again he doesn’t seem keen.

The Devil opens the third door, the first thing Dave notices is the incredible stench - he looks in and can see 10” of human excrement on the floor, but also that everyone is stood upright drinking a pint and smoking a cigarette - he ponders for a moment and says to the Devil “The smell is awful but I suppose I’d get use to that and at least I can smoke and drink - I’ll take this one”

”Are you sure?” says the Devil - Dave ponders for a moment then replies “Yes, I’ll take this room”

Dave enters the room and the barman pours him a pint of the black-stuff whilst at the same time offering him a cigarette which Dave starts to light - just as the pint settles the tannoy crackles into life




“Right you horrible lot, ten-minute break is over, back on your heads until the same time tomorrow”
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#20 User is offline   NoobyT 

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Posted 20 December 2017 - 12:30 PM

Thank goodness I don't smoke and can't stand the smell of burning tobacco!
Tip! Search this forum using Google or Bing with [site:www.mytreg.com word word word ]

VW Touareg models are as follows:
Generation 1: T1 is model 7LA and the facelift T2 is model 7L6
Generation 2: T3 is model 7P5 and the facelift T4 is model 7P6
Generation 3: T5 is model CR7

Models, engines, build years, etcetera - all essential reading - is here:

http://en.wikipedia....kswagen_Touareg

The world's most comprehensive guide to buying a used VW Touareg that could save you money [even more essential reading!] is here:

http://www.mytreg.co...at-to-look-for/


FYI: Porsche Cayenne 955 = T1, 957 = T2, 958.1 = T3 and 958.2 = T4

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